I consider myself a pretty chilled out dude, but holy shit if there isn’t a bajillion things that piss me off: wilfully obtuse people, people who say rap music isn’t real music, slow people on the sidewalk, people who insist on talking to you when you have your headphones in, the NRA, MRAs, the GOP, reggaeton, etcetera, etcetera (mainly…other people). I could write a whole book that nobody reads about all the stuff that gets my blood boiling. I’m talking multiple volumes. Publishers, take note of this unique voice being presented to you. The hot takes are coming.
In the interest of keeping things focused on films (and having an easy target), I think we can all unambiguously agree that there are specific circles in hell reserved for people who talk in movie theaters. Not the people who whisper to their friends asking what just happened on screen or the people who laugh a bit too long and a bit too loudly at the jokes. I’m talking about the straight up unapologetic talkers. Fuck those guys, right?*
The worst thing about them is that they create this awful dilemma: you either say nothing and let the dickhead(s) continue on with their disruptions, or speak up and create an even bigger disruption for everyone else. What? The loud half-wit didn’t take too kindly to being shushed? You don’t say! He wants to fight me now? Awesome! There’s no winning here, guys. You can only grit your teeth and take it like the little bitch they will inevitably call you if you decide to play hero.
I remember going to see Nightcrawler in the cinema and sitting a few rows back was this girl who probably held the title of Most Wasted. Right at the midpoint she got out of her chair and sloppily made it loud and clear that, “This movie fucking sucks!” multiple times. Why? Why why why? Why couldn’t she have just passed out or, I don’t know, leave? And walk into traffic? This is why I hate going to the movies in general. There’s always someone.
I’ve yet to go to one but the Drafthouse chain of movie theatres in America have the right idea: zero tolerance, yo. After a warning, if you keep yapping, you get kicked the hell out without a refund. The company’s whole ethos should be aspirational to other theaters. Come on, other movie theaters! Give a shit! I guarantee you that piracy would go down as a result.
Rant over. Now get off my lawn, everybody.
*Confession: I’ve talked loudly and proudly in theaters before. Twice, actually. With friends. In my defence, the movies were The Evil Dead (remake) and Fifty Shades of Grey. Also, the theater was pretty much deserted both times. Getting the opportunity to yell at the screen with a clear conscience is SO much fun! Yeah, I’m a hypocrite.